Dear God. Who should be saved, post-Deluge II?

August 27, 2014

Oh my God,

Thank you for your reply of yesterday; email is far better than the burning bush, I’m sure you’ll agree.  The forest fire is now out.  I understand that as God of Mercy you think that everyone should be saved but please look at the catastrophe of your creation.  The population is 7 billion and growing.  Starvation, poverty and water shortage stalk the planet. Capitalism is everywhere and that means an expectation of endlessly increasing economic growth, not just from the old world but now also from the emerging economies.  Everyone wants more. Everyone will be rich.  Result?  Over-population, depletion of resources, global warming, pollution, war, disease and it’s all starting now.  Your reply of yesterday suggests that you may be listening more to your speech writers than to someone who actually lives on this earth.  I note that you didn’t say that you had actually visited to take a look but I think you should so that you can make up your own mind.  Please do a really thorough audit.

I know that my list of countries to be shown no mercy in Deluge II was incomplete.  Here are a few more:

1.  Romania, Bulgaria.

There’s no point saving these countries because very soon there will be no one there; they’ll all be in Germany.

2.  Iceland, Greenland

One is simply a giant volcano and the other is a block of ice.

3.  All of those former USSR states not already listed

OK, I give you thirty seconds to name them.  Go!  You see?  you couldn’t name one, could you?  No mercy.

4.  India

I ummed and erred about this one.  The north is beset with conflict between Muslim and Hindu, the south by warlike Tamils.  The rest is a combination of capitalist triumph and sub-Saharan poverty.  In the end, I decided that you need to eat beef to grow big and strong, plus any people who worship a blue elephant should not be allowed to make it.  Sorry, India.

Now for a list of those countries that might be worth saving:

1.  Germany & Poland

We’ll need organisation post-deluge and who better to do that than the Germans?  I know that the Germans have had a bad press over all those world wars but they’re really sorry and have got much nicer.  These days they don’t claim to be superior über Alles, they leave it up to everyone else to come to that conclusion.  Germans even have a sense of humour; you just need to be German to understand it.  As for Poland, where else are we going to go for reliable plumbers and electricians?

If you are looking for a new Noah, may I suggest Angela Merkel?  I’m not sure about her boat.building skills but she can call on the shipyards in Hamburg and Gdansk.

2.  Canada

The best of America and Europe, Canadians are Americans that say ‘thank you’.  Half of them are French, the other half British and the third half are Chinese.  So we get so save the best of three cultures in one go, even if our accountancy skills need some work.

3.  Australia and New Zealand

OK, we’ll need lots of land and lots of lamb plus I don’t think we should destroy Middle Earth or wipe out the Hobbits.  Australia has lots of cute animals that are edible and mostly without sharp teeth.  I know they’re basically ex-convicts but they’ve served their time and it’s not necessary to have a criminal record to go there any more.  OK, ‘Neighbours’ and ‘Home and Away’ are close to being crimes against humanity but we should forgive them.  You are, I understand, a God of forgiveness….

3.  Laos, Cambodia, Vietnam.

These countries should be saved simply for their cooking.

4.  Philippines, Malaysia, Indonesia

Such nice people.  The post-deluge world will need more smiling faces.

5.  Singapore

China will no longer exist but Singapore can be saved as a token gesture as it’s 80% Chinese and makes multiculturalism work.  Yes, I now it’s a police state and you can’t chew gum there but you can’t have everything.  Remember that they wiped out all of their mosquitos.  Damned clever people.

6.  Bhutan

I only list Bhutan because it’s so high that your flood waters will never make it.  Also it’s small and no one will notice it there, up in the hills.

7.  Eire

To keep the English language alive and to fill the world with blarney and craic.  (Northern Ireland should suffer the same fate as England.  Shame about Wales)

A Final Plea

Lord, in your post-Deluge world, I ask only one thing to make life easier than it was before the deluge:

Please tell the survivors that you do not exist.



Dear God. The post-deluge II blacklist continues…

August 26, 2014

Dear Master of the Universe,

Wow, my list of countries that are not worthy of post-deluge II survival has grown quite big.  But not yet big enough, my Lord; here are a few more.  Please don’t get depressed by all this; you simply turned your back for a couple of thousand years and your creation went a bit sour.  Nothing that a bit of housekeeping cannot remedy, I’m sure.

Continuing the blacklist:

1.  Czech Republic & Slovakia, Pakistan & Bangladesh, East & West Ukraine, all countries that are now divorced.

It goes without saying that national divorce is criminal because you once envisaged all mankind as one, so I think this contravenes that ideal.  To do it voluntarily means that each side is probably difficult to get on with.    Witness the Czechs, the most impossible people, argumentative, never happy, depressed and wearing sandals.  The Slovaks sided with Hitler in the last great conflagration. Pakistan is a basket case and Bangladesh is mostly underwater in any case, so they won’t notice the difference.  Ukraine…please let’s not waste any more words on that one.  Oh, but please save Prague; it’s a nice city.

2.  Scandinavia and the Baltic states

Finland has the world’s highest suicide rate as well as almost coming into the ‘divorced’ category (Sweden and Russia).  As they all want to die anyway the deluge will not make too much difference.  The Baltic states have had a rough time what with the Nazis and the Communists.  They’re used to life being tough so it won’t matter to them, they won’t notice the difference.  Sweden and Norway are more difficult but remember that they’re in darkness for half the year so no one will miss them.  Denmark has to suffer for terrorising the world with the Vikings. Yes I know it was a thousand years ago but memories still linger and I’m sure you have an enormous sense of divine retribution.  I do.

3.  Burma and Thailand, Southern India, Sri Lanka, Tibet

Burma and Thailand cannot organise any form of respectable government and are in a steady state of incipient war and always have been.  All claim to be Buddhist but assume that this allows full licentiousness in all aspects of life, especially sexual.  Anything goes.  Well, not in your post-deluge world, Sir.   They are clearly not destined for post-deluge survival where a little more circumspection should be required.  As for Tibet, sitting on a lotus leaf contemplating your navel will not rebuild the world, methinks.  And where is the Lord Buddha in all of this?  He may be sitting next to you, of course, so please give him my fondest regards.

4.  Austria & Hungary, all former Yugoslavia states

You may have forgotten this but this was once an empire.  The sick man of Europe.  It remains sick.  It should be allowed to succumb.  But please spare Vienna.

5.  North Africa

The entire population is trying to get into little boats so that they can get to a tiny Italian island.  Most drown but those that make it suddenly realise that Italy is not then promised land.  There will be so many on the Lampedusa that it will sink before the deluge.

That just about rounds up the list although I’m sure there are lots of countries I’ve forgotten.  By the way, I’m sorry you were offended by what I said about Belgium the other day but the invention of the waffle or mayonnaise on chips does not provide adequate justification for survival, in my view.  By the way, communication by the ‘Burning Bush’ method is not really advisable and rather passé.  it caused a major forest fire here; it’s still blazing but there are some firefighting aircraft in the air now.  In the future may I suggest email?

Tomorrow I’ll try to summarise the survivors and provide a little justification…if the deluge doesn’t come before then of course.

I remain, Sir, your obedient servant.


Dear God. Countries to be shown no mercy in the forthcoming deluge- part II

August 24, 2014

Dear Creator of heaven and earth,

I thought a little formality today as it’s your day and the business in hand is really serious.  Anyway, continuing the list of those countries whose record in human affairs put them in the front line for total destruction in the forthcoming Second Deluge:

1.  All European former colonial powers

OK, so, UK, France.  I’ll deal with Spain and Portugal later (see ‘The Garlic Belt’ below).  I also haven’t included Belgium, Germany or the Netherlands just yet as they were minor colonial powers and not very seriously into world domination….well, Germany was but that’s a different story.  Actually, the Netherlands were serious colonisers; they had all of Java, (now Indonesia) but my problem with the Netherlands is that, in the forthcoming Great Flood, they will simply keep pumping because that’s what they’re good at and they know how to do it. I suspect that when the world is under water, there will still be dry land where the Netherlands is.  God help us.  All those caravans and Gouda.  The meteorite idea may be worth thinking about to deal with these difficult countries.

Right, back to the bad guys.  France and UK basically colonised the world and forced their culture on those poor unsuspecting countries while they weren’t looking.  So we have stale baguettes in Africa and the Far East and cricket in India, Pakistan, West Indies…everywhere really, both crimes against humanity that would be enough to condemn these countries without anything else.  I remind you of the ‘What did the Romans ever do for us?’ item on Monty Python (I know from our earlier correspondence how much you loved ‘The Life of Brian’).  Well, that also applies here.  it doesn’t matter what the Romans did for us.  We didn’t want it.  They didn’t want it.  The colonial mindset is basically one of theft, domination and racial discrimination that would be out of place in a post-deluge world.  At least for a time.  There’ll be plenty of time for New Mankind to develop new forms of discrimination.  How is Brian, by the way?

2.  Belgium

Belgium was an accident of history and should never have existed.  It didn’t exist before 1830; half French, half Dutch, each side hates the other and yet the country claims to be at the centre of Europe.  The only famous Belgians exist in comic books or novels.  Belgians are a waste of food.

3.  Switzerland

The Swiss are too organised and scary to survive.  Have you ever seen a piece of litter in Zurich?  There has to be some imperfection in the post-deluge world because only God is perfect, as the Muslims say.  BTW, the flood has got to be a pretty good one as Switzerland is quite high so you might want to give more consideration to the meteorite scenario.

4.  The Garlic Belt

Spain, Italy, Portugal, Greece.  I was rather rude about Britain’s record as a colonist but they at least UK left those countries a bit better organised than when they found them.  Spain and Portugal failed to achieve this on a massive scale, they simply exported chaos, siesta, corruption, inefficiency, whilst stealing anything of value.  Please have a look at every country in South America and I really don’t need to go any further.  This colonial excess continued until they were thrown out…by themselves.  Really!  They exported their people who then turned against the mother country.  Talk about insubordination and betrayal.  If you want to see the wealth of South America, look at Madrid.  Brazil?  see Lisbon.  I have included Greece and Italy because they are essentially indolent, lazy, corrupt and criminally disorganised.  Only in Italy could half of the country be dominated by the mafia.  Only in Greece could the treasures of European culture be allowed to crumble in a cloud of contamination and pollution.  It beggars belief that the Romans and Greeks dominated the known word but that was only because the world had not yet learnt how to speak English. I know, of course that you speak English, sir.  Anyway that was all 2000 years ago.  Italy further compounds its crime by adopting Christianity and corrupting the original idea with their demonic, so-called Roman Catholic Church which then continued to dominate, corrupt and impoverish the world for the next 1500 years.  At least the Greeks didn’t force their stupid team of gods on the world.  Unless you really are one of them.  If so, I apologise profusely.  On the other hand, I don’t see how you could be Zeus because you speak English so well (I have seen all of those great Hollywood epics).

5.  All countries in South and Central America

Please see above then add drugs and panpipes.  Need I say more?

I will give this matter further thought and get back to you tomorrow.

PS, although I live in Portugal, my boat is coming on well and I plan to leave the moment I see the wall of water approaching.  My dog is on lookout.

Dear God. Nations to be shown no mercy in the impending deluge

August 22, 2014

I hope you received my message of yesterday; I guess you must be very busy but not too busy, I hope, to pay a little attention to the parlous state of affairs on this small planet that you created.  Given that you are variously described as a God of mercy, love, anger and vengeance, you probably have a difficult time trying to decide whether to be loving and forgiving or terrible in your wrath because of what your people are doing to each other.  By the way, I have written to your nearest equivalent on earth, Bill Gates, and he had the courtesy to reply to me, although he didn’t sign it himself, of course.  Actually it might have been an automated response.

Without second guessing your plans for the destruction of mankind (had you given any thought to Ebola?) I thought that I would draft a list of people that you might consider sparing.  I know that the last time you did this, you chose one nomadic Canaanite family, headed by Noah (a surprising choice as he had a reputation as being a bit of a drinker…maybe you actually like a tipple yourself) but I think you should consider other nationalities in coming up with your shortlist.  That is quite a major task, choosing a few people out of 7,000,000,000 so it might be best to start a process of broad elimination.  I have given this much thought and, although it not completed or definitive, here are some recommendations of nations that should not be shown any mercy under any circumstances:

1.  The entire Middle East.

I know you have an affection for that part of the world but, really, you should see what a dog’s dinner they’re making of it now. There is barely one functioning democracy, most of the countries are engaged in tribal genocide and civil war and your own chosen people are terrorising their weaker neighbours.  All claim to have you on their side and claim to worship you but please don’t be fooled.  They’re just trying to dupe you into thinking that they are basically good.  They are not.  Never try to fool God, I say!  I am sure you can see through their deceit.  In terms of their contribution to human culture, can you name one famous Arab since Mohammed?

2.  Sub-Saharan Africa

Fetid, disease-ridden, corrupt and violent, these people deserve no mercy.  There was one guy in the south who would have made a perfect saint and modern Noah but unfortunately he died earlier this year.  Sorry to be critical but I think that this was a grave mistake on your part.  Name one famous African (apart from Nelson Mandela).

3.  The United States of America

The leaders of the free world where there is a universal right, enshrined in the Constitution, to carry firearms but no right to universal health care.  And they like it that way.  Need I say more?

4.  Russia

Oh, come on.  Do I really have to explain this one?

5.  China

Look, they were Communist.  They are Communist.  They are also the world’s best Capitalists and the industrial engine of the world.  Work that one out if you can.  They are destroying the planet, poisoning the air.  Like a billion sheep they do as they’re told without question and have not one shred of originality.  Can you name one famous piece of Chinese art or music?   Finally, they have banned religion and persecute the religious so are definitely not fans of yours. I suggest that you should not be a fan of theirs. 

6.  Japan

They kill whales and eat sea anemonies and probably jellyfish for all I know.  Nuff said.

7.  All countries whose names end in -STAN.

Take a map of the world without any countries marked.  You can identify all of the above but where are the -stans?  My view is that if you can’t identify where they are, they can’t be that important, can they?  Actually, I know where Pakistan is (near India, top left) but not the others.  Name one famous Uzbek or Tadjik.  Afghan?  I rest my case.

OK, those are just my first thoughts and I’ll try to write again tomorrow.

PS, I am not Arabian, African, American, Russian, Chinese or Japanese.  Nor is my dog.


Dear God. A follow-up letter to the Almighty.

August 21, 2014

Dear God,

I wrote to you yesterday but have not yet received a reply.  I didn’t address it formally because I know you are everywhere and see and hear everything so I assumed you must have received it.  I didn’t have your email address either so I have to rely on this blog.  What makes me wonder whether you received it or not is that I can see no signs of the forthcoming flood; the skies remain completely clear and there’s not a cloud in sight.  Maybe that’s because I’m writing from Portugal and it’s summer.  The alternative is that you are planning to cause the second flood by means of a meteorite crashing into the Atlantic, which usually works a treat.  Rain is much over-rated as a mechanism for mass flooding although it works quite well for localised flooding in England and Romania.  I’m sure you have good reasons for delaying the second flood so I will wait here and anticipate your next move.  I have started building a large boat.

A former friend of mine suggested that, in fact, you don’t exist and that’s the reason that you’re not taking any action.  I said that that was clearly rubbish because all sides in the current Middle Eastern slaughter say how great you are every time they kill someone, bury women and children alive or chop off someone’s head.  They call you Allah, incidentally.  Why would they say how great you are if you don’t exist? QED.  Therefore you exist, the Arabs are right and Nietzsche was wrong.

Another friend said that you wouldn’t send a second flood because you are a God of mercy.  If that was the case, I said, then why would you allow the current slaughter in your own back yard?  I don’t go for all the ‘free will’ rubbish; that’s just an apologist cop-out.  Also, there are a lot of books that confirm that you’re actually an angry God, jealous and vengeful and that we should be in fear of your wrath.  Therefore, please get wrathful again.  There really are a lot of reasons to get angry, not that you ever have to justify your actions because you are so great.  Given that you are entitled to take wrathful precipitate action and must be very displeased with your creation, I am sure you will realise that the best course of action is to wipe out mankind and start again.

You will need to nominate some survivors of course otherwise you’ll have to go through all that Adam and Eve stuff again.  You will recall that that didn’t go at all well and resulted in the first flood.  I’m sure you want to avoid repeat flooding so, If you like, I could draw up a short list for your consideration.

I look forward to hearing from you or seeing some signs of the impending deluge.

I remain, Sir, your faithful and humble servant.

PS, my dog sends a big kiss and asks for a place on the ark.

Dear God. A letter to the Almighty. Please send another flood….

August 20, 2014

Dear God,

I hope you don’t mind me writing to you directly like this but prayer doesn’t seem to be working that well and your helpdesk operatives are always busy and I keep getting put on hold.  Plus, your online help never seems to give me the right answer.

My reason for writing is to bring your attention to the situation in the Middle East, where you made your home a long while ago. I understand that you have a whole universe to look after but please take a look at what’s happening here; I’m sure you’ll view your former home with some nostalgia but I think you need to know what’s going on.  When you lived there, I understand that the main powers were Egypt, Babylon and Persia but in reality the Romans decided everything. Of those original countries, only Egypt remains.  Persia is now Iran and we have lots of other countries whose names I won’t bore you with but they are all embroiled in civil warfare.  I’ll just refer to them as Arabs.  In your day they herded camels and killed each other.  These days they drive cars and kill each other.

The modern equivalent of the Romans are the Americans (yes, I know.  It was basically indigenous tribes in your time but, believe me, they are now the world’s only super-power) but they don’t seem able to keep things together because they have an aversion to the only weapons that the Arabs truly understand – fear, intimidation and violence.  Those countries were all quite stable when they were ruled by murdering dictators (a bit like the Romans) but the Americans thought that democracy would be a good idea.  This was a big mistake.  Democracy, incidentally, is a bizarre idea that allows each person to decide their government (it was a Greek idea – you remember the Greeks…the less said about them the better).  It results in stalemate and weak governments where anyone can do anything that the Americans will allow.

I mentioned war before.  Yes, I’m afraid that that is the reality.  You may have forgotten this, but in our seventh century, you spoke to an Arab called Mohammed and, according to him, dictated your latest thoughts.  Well, Sir, I have to tell you that these Arabs are now engaged in war but as they slaughter and maim each other they have your name on their lips.  This is true.  Both sides.  You see, they all think they know what you are thinking.  I am sure you will be horrified and I really think you should know what has been happening in your absence.

I’m sorry for rambling but the point of my letter is to suggest that you consider some direct action to remedy this situation. Years and years ago I understand that you were displeased with your creation and sent a flood to wipe out the unjust and save the righteous (it was only one family but there were also a lot of animals).  I was wondering whether you think that the time is right to repeat the operation, even though you may have trouble finding a modern equivalent of Noah and his family.  However, it worked last time and I’m sure it would work again. I know that, after that last event, you sent a rainbow and said it wouldn’t happen again, but things are getting really bad here and I think that you have the right to change your mind, especially as you created it all in the first place.  Then the Arabs would know exactly what you are thinking.

I hope you will give this suggestion some serious consideration.

I remain, Sir, your humble servant.

PS  Incidentally, I am available to build an ark.


The Middle East – why does the world expect America to sort things out?

August 14, 2014

OK, America is the world’s only Superpower and, like the British Empire before it, is thought of as the policeman of the world. However, that is not an easy role because national interests will always dominate and America will always want to shape the world to its own taste.  I think that when UK and France had this role, they had a reasonable understanding of the best way to deal with emerging nations but the reality was simply repression and imperial domination.

Now America has that role and has tried to make things better – or has it?  Did anyone in Washington really believe that democracy is best for everyone?  Didn’t anyone see that removing some odious, murdering dictator would lead to something worse?  That when Arabs are presented with democracy, the first thing they do is start killing each other?  Well, that’s the reality and it’s a pretty sorry track record:

Libya: civil war  – ongoing

Afghanistan: civil war – ongoing

Egypt: civil war stopped by military coup

Syria: civil war – ongoing

Iraq: civil war – ongoing

Tunisia seems to have made it, however.  The trouble is that everyone wants to leave and go to Italy….

It goes on.  The borders of the Middle East were defined by Imperial Powers France and UK drawing lines on a map after the collapse of the Ottoman Empire in the aftermath of WWI.  Those borders were only maintained by occupation and brutal dictatorship.  Those dictators are now gone and what we are seeing is the big regional powers engaged in dirty proxy wars in their own back yards.  I refer, of course, to Saudi Arabia, Turkey, Iran and the Gulf States.

My question is  why does everyone expect America to sort out this mess?  You might say that, in its naîveté, the US (and UK and others) may have caused the mess but it’s the big local powers that should be in there pitching.  However, they all have their vested interests; have a read of

Now, Saudi hates Iran.  Iraqi Shi’ites like Iran. Iran would like to export the Islamic revolution but only its kind of Islamic revolution, certainly not IS.  The Sunnis hate the Shi’ites.  Everyone hates Christains.  Turks hate the Kurds.  Everyone hates the Palestinans, and everyone is wary of Israel.  Many Gulf Arabs are supporting the Islamic State which is now out of control. IS want a Caliphate across three countries, the Kurds want a Kurdistan.  Iraq wants to disintegrate into three countries.  Syria is a maelstrom of disorganised sects fighting each other.  Ah, for the good old days when Saddam Hussein and Al-Assad ruled by terror.

Is the Middle East heading for its Thirty Years War to sort out its religious differences and redefine its borders?  Looks like it.  Stand well back, it’s going to get messy.