Dear God. A follow-up letter to the Almighty.

Dear God,

I wrote to you yesterday but have not yet received a reply.  I didn’t address it formally because I know you are everywhere and see and hear everything so I assumed you must have received it.  I didn’t have your email address either so I have to rely on this blog.  What makes me wonder whether you received it or not is that I can see no signs of the forthcoming flood; the skies remain completely clear and there’s not a cloud in sight.  Maybe that’s because I’m writing from Portugal and it’s summer.  The alternative is that you are planning to cause the second flood by means of a meteorite crashing into the Atlantic, which usually works a treat.  Rain is much over-rated as a mechanism for mass flooding although it works quite well for localised flooding in England and Romania.  I’m sure you have good reasons for delaying the second flood so I will wait here and anticipate your next move.  I have started building a large boat.

A former friend of mine suggested that, in fact, you don’t exist and that’s the reason that you’re not taking any action.  I said that that was clearly rubbish because all sides in the current Middle Eastern slaughter say how great you are every time they kill someone, bury women and children alive or chop off someone’s head.  They call you Allah, incidentally.  Why would they say how great you are if you don’t exist? QED.  Therefore you exist, the Arabs are right and Nietzsche was wrong.

Another friend said that you wouldn’t send a second flood because you are a God of mercy.  If that was the case, I said, then why would you allow the current slaughter in your own back yard?  I don’t go for all the ‘free will’ rubbish; that’s just an apologist cop-out.  Also, there are a lot of books that confirm that you’re actually an angry God, jealous and vengeful and that we should be in fear of your wrath.  Therefore, please get wrathful again.  There really are a lot of reasons to get angry, not that you ever have to justify your actions because you are so great.  Given that you are entitled to take wrathful precipitate action and must be very displeased with your creation, I am sure you will realise that the best course of action is to wipe out mankind and start again.

You will need to nominate some survivors of course otherwise you’ll have to go through all that Adam and Eve stuff again.  You will recall that that didn’t go at all well and resulted in the first flood.  I’m sure you want to avoid repeat flooding so, If you like, I could draw up a short list for your consideration.

I look forward to hearing from you or seeing some signs of the impending deluge.

I remain, Sir, your faithful and humble servant.

PS, my dog sends a big kiss and asks for a place on the ark.


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