Dear Master of the Universe,
Wow, my list of countries that are not worthy of post-deluge II survival has grown quite big. But not yet big enough, my Lord; here are a few more. Please don’t get depressed by all this; you simply turned your back for a couple of thousand years and your creation went a bit sour. Nothing that a bit of housekeeping cannot remedy, I’m sure.
Continuing the blacklist:
1. Czech Republic & Slovakia, Pakistan & Bangladesh, East & West Ukraine, all countries that are now divorced.
It goes without saying that national divorce is criminal because you once envisaged all mankind as one, so I think this contravenes that ideal. To do it voluntarily means that each side is probably difficult to get on with. Witness the Czechs, the most impossible people, argumentative, never happy, depressed and wearing sandals. The Slovaks sided with Hitler in the last great conflagration. Pakistan is a basket case and Bangladesh is mostly underwater in any case, so they won’t notice the difference. Ukraine…please let’s not waste any more words on that one. Oh, but please save Prague; it’s a nice city.
2. Scandinavia and the Baltic states
Finland has the world’s highest suicide rate as well as almost coming into the ‘divorced’ category (Sweden and Russia). As they all want to die anyway the deluge will not make too much difference. The Baltic states have had a rough time what with the Nazis and the Communists. They’re used to life being tough so it won’t matter to them, they won’t notice the difference. Sweden and Norway are more difficult but remember that they’re in darkness for half the year so no one will miss them. Denmark has to suffer for terrorising the world with the Vikings. Yes I know it was a thousand years ago but memories still linger and I’m sure you have an enormous sense of divine retribution. I do.
3. Burma and Thailand, Southern India, Sri Lanka, Tibet
Burma and Thailand cannot organise any form of respectable government and are in a steady state of incipient war and always have been. All claim to be Buddhist but assume that this allows full licentiousness in all aspects of life, especially sexual. Anything goes. Well, not in your post-deluge world, Sir. They are clearly not destined for post-deluge survival where a little more circumspection should be required. As for Tibet, sitting on a lotus leaf contemplating your navel will not rebuild the world, methinks. And where is the Lord Buddha in all of this? He may be sitting next to you, of course, so please give him my fondest regards.
4. Austria & Hungary, all former Yugoslavia states
You may have forgotten this but this was once an empire. The sick man of Europe. It remains sick. It should be allowed to succumb. But please spare Vienna.
5. North Africa
The entire population is trying to get into little boats so that they can get to a tiny Italian island. Most drown but those that make it suddenly realise that Italy is not then promised land. There will be so many on the Lampedusa that it will sink before the deluge.
That just about rounds up the list although I’m sure there are lots of countries I’ve forgotten. By the way, I’m sorry you were offended by what I said about Belgium the other day but the invention of the waffle or mayonnaise on chips does not provide adequate justification for survival, in my view. By the way, communication by the ‘Burning Bush’ method is not really advisable and rather passé. it caused a major forest fire here; it’s still blazing but there are some firefighting aircraft in the air now. In the future may I suggest email?
Tomorrow I’ll try to summarise the survivors and provide a little justification…if the deluge doesn’t come before then of course.
I remain, Sir, your obedient servant.