I hope you received my message of yesterday; I guess you must be very busy but not too busy, I hope, to pay a little attention to the parlous state of affairs on this small planet that you created. Given that you are variously described as a God of mercy, love, anger and vengeance, you probably have a difficult time trying to decide whether to be loving and forgiving or terrible in your wrath because of what your people are doing to each other. By the way, I have written to your nearest equivalent on earth, Bill Gates, and he had the courtesy to reply to me, although he didn’t sign it himself, of course. Actually it might have been an automated response.
Without second guessing your plans for the destruction of mankind (had you given any thought to Ebola?) I thought that I would draft a list of people that you might consider sparing. I know that the last time you did this, you chose one nomadic Canaanite family, headed by Noah (a surprising choice as he had a reputation as being a bit of a drinker…maybe you actually like a tipple yourself) but I think you should consider other nationalities in coming up with your shortlist. That is quite a major task, choosing a few people out of 7,000,000,000 so it might be best to start a process of broad elimination. I have given this much thought and, although it not completed or definitive, here are some recommendations of nations that should not be shown any mercy under any circumstances:
1. The entire Middle East.
I know you have an affection for that part of the world but, really, you should see what a dog’s dinner they’re making of it now. There is barely one functioning democracy, most of the countries are engaged in tribal genocide and civil war and your own chosen people are terrorising their weaker neighbours. All claim to have you on their side and claim to worship you but please don’t be fooled. They’re just trying to dupe you into thinking that they are basically good. They are not. Never try to fool God, I say! I am sure you can see through their deceit. In terms of their contribution to human culture, can you name one famous Arab since Mohammed?
2. Sub-Saharan Africa
Fetid, disease-ridden, corrupt and violent, these people deserve no mercy. There was one guy in the south who would have made a perfect saint and modern Noah but unfortunately he died earlier this year. Sorry to be critical but I think that this was a grave mistake on your part. Name one famous African (apart from Nelson Mandela).
3. The United States of America
The leaders of the free world where there is a universal right, enshrined in the Constitution, to carry firearms but no right to universal health care. And they like it that way. Need I say more?
Oh, come on. Do I really have to explain this one?
Look, they were Communist. They are Communist. They are also the world’s best Capitalists and the industrial engine of the world. Work that one out if you can. They are destroying the planet, poisoning the air. Like a billion sheep they do as they’re told without question and have not one shred of originality. Can you name one famous piece of Chinese art or music? Finally, they have banned religion and persecute the religious so are definitely not fans of yours. I suggest that you should not be a fan of theirs.
They kill whales and eat sea anemonies and probably jellyfish for all I know. Nuff said.
7. All countries whose names end in -STAN.
Take a map of the world without any countries marked. You can identify all of the above but where are the -stans? My view is that if you can’t identify where they are, they can’t be that important, can they? Actually, I know where Pakistan is (near India, top left) but not the others. Name one famous Uzbek or Tadjik. Afghan? I rest my case.
OK, those are just my first thoughts and I’ll try to write again tomorrow.
PS, I am not Arabian, African, American, Russian, Chinese or Japanese. Nor is my dog.