Dear God. Who should be saved, post-Deluge II?

Oh my God,

Thank you for your reply of yesterday; email is far better than the burning bush, I’m sure you’ll agree.  The forest fire is now out.  I understand that as God of Mercy you think that everyone should be saved but please look at the catastrophe of your creation.  The population is 7 billion and growing.  Starvation, poverty and water shortage stalk the planet. Capitalism is everywhere and that means an expectation of endlessly increasing economic growth, not just from the old world but now also from the emerging economies.  Everyone wants more. Everyone will be rich.  Result?  Over-population, depletion of resources, global warming, pollution, war, disease and it’s all starting now.  Your reply of yesterday suggests that you may be listening more to your speech writers than to someone who actually lives on this earth.  I note that you didn’t say that you had actually visited to take a look but I think you should so that you can make up your own mind.  Please do a really thorough audit.

I know that my list of countries to be shown no mercy in Deluge II was incomplete.  Here are a few more:

1.  Romania, Bulgaria.

There’s no point saving these countries because very soon there will be no one there; they’ll all be in Germany.

2.  Iceland, Greenland

One is simply a giant volcano and the other is a block of ice.

3.  All of those former USSR states not already listed

OK, I give you thirty seconds to name them.  Go!  You see?  you couldn’t name one, could you?  No mercy.

4.  India

I ummed and erred about this one.  The north is beset with conflict between Muslim and Hindu, the south by warlike Tamils.  The rest is a combination of capitalist triumph and sub-Saharan poverty.  In the end, I decided that you need to eat beef to grow big and strong, plus any people who worship a blue elephant should not be allowed to make it.  Sorry, India.

Now for a list of those countries that might be worth saving:

1.  Germany & Poland

We’ll need organisation post-deluge and who better to do that than the Germans?  I know that the Germans have had a bad press over all those world wars but they’re really sorry and have got much nicer.  These days they don’t claim to be superior über Alles, they leave it up to everyone else to come to that conclusion.  Germans even have a sense of humour; you just need to be German to understand it.  As for Poland, where else are we going to go for reliable plumbers and electricians?

If you are looking for a new Noah, may I suggest Angela Merkel?  I’m not sure about her boat.building skills but she can call on the shipyards in Hamburg and Gdansk.

2.  Canada

The best of America and Europe, Canadians are Americans that say ‘thank you’.  Half of them are French, the other half British and the third half are Chinese.  So we get so save the best of three cultures in one go, even if our accountancy skills need some work.

3.  Australia and New Zealand

OK, we’ll need lots of land and lots of lamb plus I don’t think we should destroy Middle Earth or wipe out the Hobbits.  Australia has lots of cute animals that are edible and mostly without sharp teeth.  I know they’re basically ex-convicts but they’ve served their time and it’s not necessary to have a criminal record to go there any more.  OK, ‘Neighbours’ and ‘Home and Away’ are close to being crimes against humanity but we should forgive them.  You are, I understand, a God of forgiveness….

3.  Laos, Cambodia, Vietnam.

These countries should be saved simply for their cooking.

4.  Philippines, Malaysia, Indonesia

Such nice people.  The post-deluge world will need more smiling faces.

5.  Singapore

China will no longer exist but Singapore can be saved as a token gesture as it’s 80% Chinese and makes multiculturalism work.  Yes, I now it’s a police state and you can’t chew gum there but you can’t have everything.  Remember that they wiped out all of their mosquitos.  Damned clever people.

6.  Bhutan

I only list Bhutan because it’s so high that your flood waters will never make it.  Also it’s small and no one will notice it there, up in the hills.

7.  Eire

To keep the English language alive and to fill the world with blarney and craic.  (Northern Ireland should suffer the same fate as England.  Shame about Wales)

A Final Plea

Lord, in your post-Deluge world, I ask only one thing to make life easier than it was before the deluge:

Please tell the survivors that you do not exist.

 

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