I hope you don’t mind me writing to you directly like this but prayer doesn’t seem to be working that well and your helpdesk operatives are always busy and I keep getting put on hold. Plus, your online help never seems to give me the right answer.
My reason for writing is to bring your attention to the situation in the Middle East, where you made your home a long while ago. I understand that you have a whole universe to look after but please take a look at what’s happening here; I’m sure you’ll view your former home with some nostalgia but I think you need to know what’s going on. When you lived there, I understand that the main powers were Egypt, Babylon and Persia but in reality the Romans decided everything. Of those original countries, only Egypt remains. Persia is now Iran and we have lots of other countries whose names I won’t bore you with but they are all embroiled in civil warfare. I’ll just refer to them as Arabs. In your day they herded camels and killed each other. These days they drive cars and kill each other.
The modern equivalent of the Romans are the Americans (yes, I know. It was basically indigenous tribes in your time but, believe me, they are now the world’s only super-power) but they don’t seem able to keep things together because they have an aversion to the only weapons that the Arabs truly understand – fear, intimidation and violence. Those countries were all quite stable when they were ruled by murdering dictators (a bit like the Romans) but the Americans thought that democracy would be a good idea. This was a big mistake. Democracy, incidentally, is a bizarre idea that allows each person to decide their government (it was a Greek idea – you remember the Greeks…the less said about them the better). It results in stalemate and weak governments where anyone can do anything that the Americans will allow.
I mentioned war before. Yes, I’m afraid that that is the reality. You may have forgotten this, but in our seventh century, you spoke to an Arab called Mohammed and, according to him, dictated your latest thoughts. Well, Sir, I have to tell you that these Arabs are now engaged in war but as they slaughter and maim each other they have your name on their lips. This is true. Both sides. You see, they all think they know what you are thinking. I am sure you will be horrified and I really think you should know what has been happening in your absence.
I’m sorry for rambling but the point of my letter is to suggest that you consider some direct action to remedy this situation. Years and years ago I understand that you were displeased with your creation and sent a flood to wipe out the unjust and save the righteous (it was only one family but there were also a lot of animals). I was wondering whether you think that the time is right to repeat the operation, even though you may have trouble finding a modern equivalent of Noah and his family. However, it worked last time and I’m sure it would work again. I know that, after that last event, you sent a rainbow and said it wouldn’t happen again, but things are getting really bad here and I think that you have the right to change your mind, especially as you created it all in the first place. Then the Arabs would know exactly what you are thinking.
I hope you will give this suggestion some serious consideration.
I remain, Sir, your humble servant.
PS Incidentally, I am available to build an ark.